The question that I ask myself constantly is:
“What type of human being do I want to see my child become, in a society of other human beings?”
I’m not talking about vocations or hobbies, like becoming a doctor or appreciating music. I’m thinking along the likes of self-reliance, self-awareness, discernment.
This leads me to identify what I want to teach my child.
Now my answer becomes, “I want to see my child become a person who can discern his thoughts and values. Once he can discern his thoughts and values, he becomes conscious of his decisions and the consequences — immediate or invisible of these decisions — then he be truly acting of his own free will.”
The tricky part for me as parent is to behave in a way that is both supportive of my objective in raising this discernment in this new human and supportive of where this new human is in his ability to understand why something is happening (or happening to him) in a certain way. Another tricky part is balancing this within the context of “in a society of other human beings”.
Thus, “children will be children — until they distinguish between child-like and childish”.
I’ll use the example of throwing because it’s a common way for children to express (frustration, boredom, anger).
My child throws a toy in a fit of anger.
My first response is to tell him of his actions: “You’re throwing this toy”.
Then I’ll tell him (what I deduce is) his emotion or feeling: “You’re feeling upset!” or “You’re feeling angry!” (not “you’re upset or you’re angry – but you FEEL upset, you FEEL angry” lest we should start a habit of false predication).
Then I’ll give him a redirect and tell him the consequence of repeated action: “You can hit the carpet like this (demonstrate). If you throw this toy again I am taking it away from you.”
Does this unfold neatly every time? Heck No! I mess up all the time, then I kick myself for it. My kid messes up and less than a minute later he’s forgotten and he’s happy and singing, I can learn a lot from my kid too.
Still, at this stage my child has learned to check me for my reaction. This means he’s becoming conscious of his actions, even if he’s still driven by impulse because he is after all, 3 years old. He is beginning to realize the potential consequence even if it’s after he already acts. This consciousness – this discernment – is a first step to him making a choice.
What about you? What question or questions do you keep in mind when raising your child?
